Sleep for Insomniacs/Anxiety/etc.

I am a total, freaking insomniac.  

I know difficulty sleeping because you're up worrying is a common problem for a lot of people, but I know it especially weighs on people with depression and anxiety, making many of us into insomniacs.  I definitely fall into this category.  I lay awake and my brain insists on replaying events from the past day. This leads to inevitable self criticism over things that I feel I should have done differently though probably nobody else even noticed.  This further leads to thinking about events that happened the past week, extending until before I know it I'm up till 2 a.m. micro analyzing something that happened three years ago.  I totally kill myself over these little things and I can't turn it off.

So over the past year I've looked for better tactics in helping myself fall asleep.  It's taken me a long time to find these tricks that really work in helping me to fall asleep, and while they're not sure fire ways, they do help, so I thought I'd share them here with y'all. 

1)  I DON'T try to force myself to fall asleep at a strict time.  

Typically, what I do is try to be in bed early enough to relax and wind down, but I also keep myself busy enough to not let my thoughts wander either.  Don't think about time or deadlines, it will only wind yourself up more.  If for the first nights you don't get to sleep before 1 in the morning, don't sweat it.  The important thing is to sleep at all and be relaxed doing it.  

2)  I know that other people aren't necessarily like this, but in order for me to be relaxed I have to be putting my brain into action.  Not like solving a Rubix Cube type thing, just something that isn't totally thoughtless.  

For example, some of the stuff I do:

     * Scroll through encouraging or interesting Pinterest or Instagram posts. 

I know a loooot of people advise against this, and I get why, but you can't just turn your brain off.  So do something that doesn't take a lot of effort and is pleasurable to at the very least begin winding down. 

     * Read.  Cliche I know but it really does work.  I suggest keeping a supply of familiar and comforting books nearby.  Reread works that make you happy and take your mind off things happening currently.  Choose books that take you to a different time and place, something you can easily envision.  For me, Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery, What Katy Did by Susan Coolidge, or Little Women by Louisa May Alcott are a few examples that really take hold of me and relax me.

     * Watch videos.  I keep a stack of heart warming movies by a small tv in my bedroom.  It doesn't get cable or anything but it has a simple dvd player attached.  A lot of the movies I keep on hand are movies I grew up with that take me back to simpler times.

3)  Don't be afraid of things to help you sleep or stay asleep.  

I used to fight medication to help with that really, really hard.  As a teenager my mom used to threaten to ground me if I didn't take something since my insomnia had reached a point where it was starting to take a serious toll my mental and physical health.  Taking a simple PM or even a Melatonin are good for helping your body to get used to shutting down at a certain time. If you're worried about addiction, ask your doctor and space it out.  It doesn't have to be every night, just enough to get into routine.  

Also do exercises or tricks to relax your body.  Anything from breathing exercises to just brushing your hair.  Rub on lotion and message it into your arms and legs.  Anything that takes the edge off your body.

4)  Remove all distraction from around you.  Make your rest space as comforting as you can.

My room looks like a 12 year old lives there, okay.  My bed is covered in stuffed animals and hand made blankets my mom made me.  The walls have posters from movies and bands, and Thomas Kinkade post cards pinned up all over the place.  I have a little biplane and a Christmas dreamcatcher hanging from the ceiling.  I have a nightlight in the form of Christmas lights.  Seriously, whatever makes you happy, go for it.  

5)  ASMR

This is a biggie for me.  ASMR gets a bad rep and a lot of people don't confess to watching it.  I get it.  I had someone totally flip out when they found out I watch these.  But if you have insomnia and/or anxiety then this REALLY. HELPS.  Some videos are kinda out there and weird, but many are truly just relaxing.  

My personal favorite YouTuber for this is ASMR Darling.  She does a variety of videos from triggers to roleplays.  They're over all pretty normal, and her camera persona is very down to earth and calming.  

"ASMR 10 Triggers to Help You Sleep"  

ASMR Darling

These videos are just the right balance of keeping my mind focused but not such I can't drift off.  I find myself drifting off during these all the time.  It's actually harder to stay awake than it is to not, especially if you've been lying down for a bit and allowed your body to relax.  

I'm going to link a few more of my favorite videos so you can get more of an idea of the variety.  There are others besides ASMR Darling (though she's all I'm linking in this post), who do a really good job, and once you find things that really help you it helps to narrow down what kind of videos you want.  

"ASMR Tapping and Scratching Dreamy Blue Objects"

ASMR Darling

"ASMR Wendy Darling Helps You Fall Asleep Roleplay"

ASMR Darling

I hope these helped at least a little.  Lemme know in the comments your thoughts or if you have any other suggestions.

For Everything there is a Season

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

² a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
³ a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
⁴ a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
⁵ a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
⁶ a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
⁷ a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
⁸ a time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace."
~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

    One of the first things all Christians learn is that in the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth.  We learn about the seven days of creation, and how on the seventh day God rested.  But something many theologians study and debate in depth is the relativity of time, and what it is to God compared to what it is to us.
     We also know that all things are within God's control.  That's one of the points of the story of creation.  Time is also within God's control, though the "beginning" in the Bible is relative considering that for God there is no beginning and no end.  The "beginning" was simply a term used to mark where our stretch of understanding could start since we can't accept or process infinity in our limited imaginations.
     To consider time being within God's control is both comforting and disconcerting.  In some ways we put time on the same level as or even above God, and think that God works within time's confine instead of the other way around.    But time is simply the way that God explains that to us which we could never understand here on earth.  Beginning and endings are simply markers God places for us to have some sort of handhold of understanding.  But time is not the basis of God, and it is not infinite.

     God talks about this in Ecclesiastes 3.  He discusses how "to everything there is a time".  When I read this section before, I always thought of those times as smaller segments in something much larger.  But what I think God really meant was that truly, to everything there is a time.  Time does not exist to God, He creates it.  Infinity stretches on, but God places little segments of time in that infinity because truly, time will have a beginning and an end.
     Our lives are made up of segments of time.  Those segments have beginnings and they have ends.  With those ends and beginnings come changes and new segments of time.  God does not intend for any of these segments to last and change is important because this is not our eternity.  Time is meant to be fleeting and changing because this life is not permanent.  It's all temporary.


     What blows me away about this is that looking at it with that perspective, how meaningful my life actually becomes.  God has no time!  He is infinite!  He does not look for changes or beginnings or endings, He simply is!  And yet with that infinity, with that omniscience, He created this world.  He created every single detail and living and nonliving thing upon this earth.  Within all of that absolutely incredible, awe inspiring power and creativity, He created me with the same amount of precision, detail, and power.  He knew that while I wouldn't understand infinity here on earth, and I would allow time to overrun me, He still plans such amazing things for me!  He took this small segment of infinity, and gave it to me, and said "do something with this".  He has grand plans for me, and gave me joy and gave me strength and creativity and everything that makes me me and said "now use this, use what I gave you and celebrate in Me because I love you and I wanted you to have this, and then when you are done we will spend eternity celebrating".  Even with the presence of sin, my doubt, my worries, my misunderstandings, He still gave me this segment of time and He still gives me the promise of eternity, and He also promises me that while there may be bad things in this life they won't last.

     To everything there is a season.
     A time to die.  A time to pluck.  A time to kill.  A time to break down.  A time to weep.  A time to mourn.  A time to cast away.  A time to refrain.  A time to lose.  A time to tear.  A time for silence.  A time to hate.  A time for war.
     While God does not create all that, or wish it upon us, it happens.

     But while that happens, He also gives us the same promise over again in a new light.
     There will be a time to be born.  A time to plant.  A time to heal.  A time to build up.  A time to laugh.  A time to dance.  A time to gather together.  A time to embrace.  A time to seek.  A time to keep.  A time to sew.  A time to speak.  A time to love.  A time for peace.


    Sometimes this is so hard for me to remember, because I allow time to become my master and it drives me to worry and stress.  It makes me feel like God has forgotten me.  It makes me feel like my life is all in my hands and I'm ruining it.  But then God and tells me that no, this is not my job.  It is not my job to control it all.  It's not my job to know the future.  He has it all mapped out, and He has the timing perfect.  To all my hardships they will not last.  They have a time and that means it will have an end.  And while that also means that new ones will arise, I'm also told and promised that there will also be joys.  And while those joys will have their ends too, new ones will still arise.  And of course, I'm also promised that when it's all over, the ultimate joy will come in Heaven and time will have no power.  

I am a Lost Boy from Neverland...

I want to run.  I want to run so hard all I can think and feel is the pain in my lungs and legs.  I want to drive.  I want to drive so far I don't know where I am and no one knows me.  I want to forget everything I knew and start all over.  New friends, new me, new life.  They say you can't leave your problems behind, but I would leave people, and that would be a lot of the same thing.

I want to forget the pain of being replaced.  I want to forget what it is to see someone else where I used to be, doing what I used to do, saying what I used to say, being the friend I used to be.  It's like a hot knife in my gut.  The wound starts to go numb, and then day after day, something happens, and I'm stabbed again.  They just keep wrenching, twisting.  Hot tears in my eyes.  Pain yes, but more than that is anger.  Anger I'm helpless, anger there's nothing I can do, anger at the friendly face and pleasant words I force.  I want to disappear, I want to start all over.  Where did I go wrong?  Was there something I could have done differently, made a different outcome?

Loving someone new doesn't make you love the others even more.  Love doesn't grow.  That's a lie.  It's why people come and go in our lives.  There isn't room for them anymore, so we choose who we want and the rest just fade away.  We don't forget, but we stop caring.  They find the desire to be with you decrease, the connection dims.  They find it in someone else, become distracted, and are drawn away like a moth to the flame.  Words become hollow and time grows short.

Where are all the people I ever cared about?  One by one they just disappeared.  Some chose to leave, some faded out, and many, many chose others.  Sometimes it's good.  Like watching a family member leave to join their spouse.  You're supposedly gaining another, but really, you're just letting one go.  It's a bittersweet, you should be happy, but you're sad, alone, and truthfully?  You're resentful.  You can't help it.  "Be happy, be grateful, don't be jealous."  I'm not jealous.  I'm alone.  And after so long being two, how can I not be sad to be just one?

One by one people go, promises are forgotten, and love proves to be the most powerful heartbreaker to exist.  Friendship becomes a childish concept because really, what lasts forever?  Like Wendy and Alice, they leave and grow up.  Like Christopher Robin, they know there will be a time when forever doesn't last.  But like all of them, they leave for something they deem better, and those of us left behind are the Peters, the Hatters, and the Pooh Bears of the world.  Left wondering, what went wrong?  Where did everyone go?  Why must everyone leave?

Do you not feel pain?  Do you not feel worry or hesitancy or anxiety?  Do you look in the mirror, and see not a person but insecurities?  How do you do it...  How do you go about your life, unfazed and seemingly unharmed?  How do you approach life with such certainty and confidence, like you're greeting a lifelong friend instead of a jailer, or a brutal dictator?  Where did I go wrong, where did my path lead astray, how did I get so lost?


Life is painful, and it's miserable, and sometimes it's too much work.  Sometimes the best you can do is just get out of bed.  You're strong if you're able to get yourself dressed and brush your hair.  It's a good day if you can walk out the front door.  It's a really good day if you return in the evening without crying.  It's not easy, and it's not fair to compare our small accomplishments against your massive ones.  


On this earth we judge our worth by our standards of accomplishments and successes.  Getting high degrees, multiple degrees.  Getting a job that does more than just pay the bills but also gives you more money than you know what to do with.  Raising children that grow up to change the world.  Achieving fame.  Working on massive acts of peace and prosperity for those less fortunate.  Changing laws.  Writing laws.  Proving that you are somebody.


And when we don't achieve these goals, we are worthless.  We are invisible.  We are nobody.  Our pains are not validated because we did not put in people's idea of work into making these pains worthy of validation.  Because we lose a battle sometimes, because we can't always keep the darkness at bay, because we sink to our knees and can no longer fight.  We are worthless.  We are pathetic.  We are not worthy of validation from others.


Christians are sometimes the worst.  When a Christian truly sinks to their knees in pain and agony and cries out "O my God help me" and can no longer fight, when we alone cannot keep out the darkness, we are seen as unworthy of God's help because we are not helping ourselves.  When we truly do as we preach, and beg for God's intervention and strength because we cannot generate it ourselves, we are seen as weak.  How dare we ask God, if we haven't worked, or rather what their idea of work is.


Pain is not necessarily corruption.  Confusion is not necessarily being lost.  Weakness is not necessarily a lack of faith.  Corruption is when you blame God for your pain, instead of taking His hand to help you with it.  Being lost is when you've given up on God being your leader and the Bible being your map.  Lack of faith is when you feel that God will no longer help you.


I sit, and I envy all those who can talk without stuttering, stand proud and tall and not hunched and hiding,  accept without reservation, and be accepted without force.  I envy those who are not invisible not only to others but to themselves as well.  I envy those who look in the mirror and see light, instead of smudges, stains, and cracks.

But you know, I'm starting to see more in the mirror.

I see two blue eyes that have known laughter staring back.  I see blonde hair that used to be teased and braided falling neatly around my shoulders.  I see a mouth, that has obviously known smiling before.  I see cheeks, that have known a rosy glow.

I see a face, the face of someone who's slowly returning.

Relationships hurt.  And I seem to suck at them.  My relationship with my family, with friends, with God...  I'm so confused lately I don't know what's up and down.  I thought that as anxiety calmed down things would get easier, including relationships with people.  But if anything, I worry it's gotten worse.

I've never had any deep relationships. I've never had any friends that stuck.  I used to be able to shake it off, I thought it was other people.  But now I've pushed away one of the people that means most to me.  My relationship with God always seems so turbulent.  I try to trust, I want to trust, but I always seem to fail as soon as the going gets tough.  And I know you're supposed to trust God to show you the way in life, but I haven't seen anything.  Maybe my relationship isn't what it should be, maybe I'm not really trusting God. If I can manage to shove the people I love and God, maybe all along the relationships were always just me.

I always wanted to get married.  I always wanted a family, to have people who love me around, and have a support group.  Yet, if I manage to screw up pretty much every single relationship I ever have, who's to say I could ever get married?  What if I'm not enough to my husband, what if I can't root our relationship deep enough, what if I'm not enough for him?  And the kids we could have.  What if they can't find in me what a mother should be?  What if I fail them?  What if I end up being a mother they never bonded with?

My friendships have never ever stuck.  And I finally had someone who I thought, for once, I would mean as much to them as they did to me.  And for a long time I did.  And then, as usual, I COMPLETELY screwed it up.  

"What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be." ~Ellen Burstyn

You know sometimes God creates people to just be alone.  Job's life totally sucked.  His friends blamed him for what his life became.  He didn't have anyone either.  I'm in no way a Job, I don't have his kind of faith and strength, but maybe I'm just not meant to have the kind of deep, committed relationships I see other people have with family and friends.  Maybe I won't ever get married, or have kids.  Maybe I won't have someone, physically, to walk through life with me.  And I guess I have to get used to that?   

"I finally faced the fact that it isn't a crime not having friends." ~Whitney Houston

Why is it so easy to get lost?  I just want to be done.  I want to be one of those people who doesn't overthink what outfit I'm going to where tomorrow and how it may make people think of me and whether or not I'm sending the right image just so I won't feel like I'm being stared at or judged.  I want to walk into a store and ask for a job application without feeling like I'm going to throw up or burst into tears.  I want to think about my future without wanting to slit my wrists.

Things were going just fine.  And then this week hit and it all went to pot.  

I mean what even is recovery anymore?  

All I ever hear from people is "it's not that bad". "You're good at this."  "Just take the plunge it's not so bad once you're in it."  "You're over thinking things."  "It's all in your head."  "You're capable."  To most people anxiety is just a shyness you have to get over.  It's you over complicating things, excuses, and irrational, unfounded ways to freak yourself out.  

Nobody on this whole blessed earth knows how it feels to be completely trapped within your own mind.  To get so lost and buried in your thoughts that you're drowning, you're being strangled.  Anxiety freaks you out, and depression wears you out.  On top of the crushing weight of absolute terror, you have the complete lack of desire to live.  It's a really sucky combo.  

I thought I was doing better.  I thought things would get better.  I thought my life would actually turn into better.  I guess that's just false thinking.

I'm drowning again.  And I don't know what to do to save myself.  If this is recovery, the best it has to offer, then peace does not exist on this earth.  Or at least I'm not allowed to know it.  I'm so overwhelmed.  I don't know how to handle this life.  I don't know how to handle finding a job, deciding a career, living on my own, taking care of myself...  But that's all my own fault I guess. 

Numb

Is it common, while striving toward recovery, to just sort go numb and not really be sure what you're feeling?  Lately, I don't really know what I'm doing or what I'm feeling or how to think.  It's like, so much of my personality was and is influenced by my anxiety.  But as anxiety reduces, I'm changing. And I really don't know what to think of this change or how to think at all.  Part of my mind still holds onto the anxiety and I don't know how to make decisions.  I don't know if my terror will suddenly crop up again out of the blue, like my anxiety tended to do before the medication, or if I'll continue to be alright.

Medication is such a flakey thing.  I know that my anxiety is brewing underneath and I'm terrified that if my medication wanes or starts to fail, I'll go back to being how I used to be.  What if I delve into something big and the medication stops working?  I can't hold back the panic, I won't be able to stop freaking out, I won't be able to help it.  It's what's hampered me from getting a job.  I mean even with the medication I'm terrified.  So what's going to happen if the medication stops?  I'm told I shouldn't be dependent on the meds, they're just there to help me get to a better place on my own.  But the thing is, the medication is the only thing that holds back the tidal wave.  It was too much before on my own.  So I have to be dependent on it to some extent.  How do you find the balance?

How am I supposed to live if I can't be sure of anything?  God is the only thing I'm certain of these days.  I haven't been able to count on support from people for a long time.  Don't ask me why, but it stopped working.  I think it's cause I fear they expect more of me than I'm able to give.  I hate being told I'm capable of things.  Yeah, physically maybe.  But that doesn't mean the terror that comes with it is within my control.  I mean heck if that wasn't the issue I'd be out there doing so much more with my life!  But I'm not capable of handling the fear and anxiety.

So don't tell me the things I know!  I know I can do it!  But I can't stop the fear!  Why do you think I got here in the first place?  I can't stop the depression!  I can't stop the self deprecating.  I can't stop the self judgement!  It's not. within. my. control.

I'm so lost as to what I'm supposed to do.  I'm so confused as to if what I feel is real, or temporary.  I'm so tired of having to second guess every single thing I feel, think, or do.  When do I get to that point in recovery I can stop thinking about what other people are thinking every minute of the day?  When can I get to where I stop dreading tomorrow?  When can I get to where I'm able to take care of myself?  When can I get to where I stop being terrified of life?

Does that exist?

Worth It

     It's been a long while since I was was last on here, I apologize for that.  My emotions are so over the place lately as well as my thoughts I can't see to actually put down anything that would be coherent to anyone.

     I'm still in the same frame of mind as I was when I wrote that post in February, though some changes have happened.  I'm now officially diagnosed with depression and social anxiety, and am currently on medication to help me control it.  I've just started my third month of a very low dosage of a basic medication.  I went in to my general physician and told her basically of my state without going into too many details.  She was able to prescribe me a medication that handles both my anxiety and depression without forcing me to see a therapist or anything.  I have the option to go see one, though it's a lot of money and time wise uncertain of when I'd get in.  Personally, I'm a fairly private person.  I don't like to talk about myself, much less go into detail of my suicidal thoughts and erratic emotions.  So for now, I'm holding off on a therapist.  My doctor said it was unnecessary, though due to the fact I've had trouble making life choices because of my mental and emotional state, she suggested it may be helpful to consider to help me figure out the physical aspects of my life.  I've kept it in the back of my mind.  I've gotten so busy lately that I haven't really put much into it, and financially I doubt I could do it unless our insurance covers it.  But for now, the medication is doin' alright.  I think I'd like to up the dosage now that it has settled into my system I know how it's affecting me.  I'm doing better, definitely better, though I could still use a bit more help.  My circle of comfort has expanded a little bit, permitting me to go to more social functions such as church events, a formal dance (well not super formal, it was still pretty relaxed and I spent most of the time inhaling cupcakes), and considering online classes and other potential career pursuits.  But I'm still hampered in finding a paying job outside of working as my grandmothers caretaker, and doing basic tasks that would allow me to lead a normal life apart from my parents.

     I'm not really sure what prompted me to take the plunge to medication and finally coming forth to my parents that this was more than just a phase.  I think more than anything the Lord simply directly put His hand in the situation.  It came about mostly because of a ministry mission opportunity I wanted to consider in the next year or so, but I knew I wouldn't be able to without getting straightened out first.  My mom was a big supporter of my consideration of this ministry, and during a conversation one morning where it became a real subject of actual consideration, I realized I couldn't hide anymore.  So I just came out with it.  Not in a stuttering, hesitant manner, but a straight in the eye, dead serious sort of way.  I flat out said I'd never be able to do it if I didn't get help.  She knew already about my anxiety as it had been briefly touched on, but I'd never been so serious or adamant before.  I think she was a bit surprised by my forcefulness and gravity, so she easily and readily agreed.
     Now, I'm in my third month of it and it feels like my life has changed entirely.  First of all, I've settled in a general direction of career.  I plan on pursuing ministry and writing/blogging as a joint pursuit.  Hopefully one will start to see more physical results than a mere viewer count or volunteering, but I'm leaving finances and life changes to the Lord for now.  I'm able to leave a lot more to God lately because my medication has enabled me to stop stressing about the distant future quite so much.  It's also helped lighten my emotions so that it's easier for me to feel God's love and understanding.  Before it just felt like my depression was cutting in between me and God's mercy.  I knew it was there, but I felt so incapable of feeling it and so secluded that I really started to question just how much He cared.  We aren't superhuman.  Knowing and having faith doesn't automatically mean we can conquer things through sitting and hoping alone.  I don't mean that medication should be your first go-to.  I do think prayer and faith can change a lot, and will change a lot if you let it.  But at the same time, there are some things we cannot physically help.  You eat cause you can't help but need sustenance.  Faith and prayer alone won't keep you from starving to death.  Food was designed by God to nurture our needing bodies.  In the same way, God gave us the answers to create medication to help heal our bodies when we are ailing and hurting.  Just because mental illness can't be seen, doesn't mean it isn't as real as the flu.   Depression and anxiety aren't always within our will's power alone.  Sometimes the answer to those prayers is medicine.  Again, because of the way it can change you and its potent side effects, I don't think it should be your first choice and you should just assume it's God's answer.  But I don't think it should be cast out of your options either.  I waited since I was 13 or 14 to get help for my problems.  I tried everything I could before that.  But throughout 18th year toward my 19th birthday, I finally conceded that I couldn't do it alone.  For a long time that felt like failure, disappointment, and shame.  I couldn't handle the idea that I, a devoted Christian, couldn't handle my own emotions and fears.  I blamed God for not just taking them away.  I questioned just how much He loved me if He left me with these feelings.  I was praying, where was my rescue?  Surely God knew I couldn't survive in this world without a job and talking to people.  Why did He leave me to let it be so hard?  Why was I left to constantly feel so sad and like I was drowning?  I feared my faith and relationship with God was not there or not strong enough if I caved to medication.  But then again, I was already questioning God, angry with Him, in denial of His love.  How much worse could it really be?  It took a long time, and a lot of signs from God, and help from my best friend, to come to not only know and think but also believe that medication was not poor faith's solution.  I truly think God gave me this solution for a reason.  It's not that He made me afraid, but that He gave me the tools I need to overcome it.  It's not that I am failing in my life, but that He has given me different purpose than what most expect.  Than what I expected.

     This doesn't mean I'm not still struggling.  I am.  A lot.  Most days are a like a scale that can't find balance, constantly leaning too far one way or the other.  It was like that before, but the difference now is that I'm much closer to finding that balance, and I'm learning to take the good out of the bad.  I still feel trapped inside my mind a lot.  There are still nights I cry myself to sleep.  There are still days I become uneasy about my fading scars, and miss the false sense of security that the pain, the blood, and the sight of my cuts gave me.  Sounds sick, I know, but it's not something I can explain to someone who hasn't felt the need and addiction of self mutilation.  It's not only the fact that it gives you a sort of high, but it brings a temporary, unstable emotional and mental rest too.  Sort of like you're finally handling what felt untouchable before.  There are days, many days, that I still feel like what I have is untouchable.  It scares me, and it upsets me, I won't lie.  Knowing how easily I can flip from perfectly fine to a sobbing mess is stress inducing in itself.  My anxiety can be triggered by the simplest of things still.  The fact that my tablet is malfunctioning, or driving myself to dance, or having to go see someone.  Daily things still upset me.  People still upset me.  I freak out all the time.  But lately, all the time is getting a little less often and not lasting quite as long.  The smiles are coming to my face a little more often and a tad more naturally.  I'm not necessarily breaking through, but I'm learning to cope, and that's a step.

     Look, please, I ask of you, don't let anyone or anything prevent you from getting the help you need.  You absolutely, 100% deserve it, whether it comes in the form of support from family and friends, a therapist, or a pill.  Don't neglect your needs for suffering in silence.  You are worth so much more than that.  There is not one thing in this world that dictates someone else's worth over your own.  No action, no amount of money, no fame, no beauty, no sacrifice, makes some else's life and well being more important than your own.  You are free to be exactly what God calls you to be.  Please don't let your mental illness hinder you from that.  Don't pretend it isn't there.  Don't live in denial.  If you feel it, it's real.  Jesus paid the same price for every actress and actor in Hollywood, the Pope, your neighbor, your best friend, the president, and your parents, as He did for you.  You are completely and utterly priceless to Him.  For that alone, you deserve help, love, and understanding.  Never let anyone or anything convince you that you are not worth it.

"The story continues, and so does this deep knowledge.  That every life - man, woman, boy, and girl - is incredibly, undoubtedly, completely priceless."  (Priceless movie 2016)

This goes for everything, no matter what.  You are loved by Jesus.  You were bought with His blood, and to Him you are absolutely priceless.  So don't let anyone tell you that you aren't worth it or don't deserve it.  

I Once was Blind, but Now I See

Do you know what it's like to be trapped inside your head?  To be totally afraid of the world, of people, of everything?  Living with anxiety is like that.  You're stuck in a constant bubble of uncertainty and fear, day in and day out.  You can't accurately judge a situation because you're emotions can't tell the difference between what may simply not be right for you, and your overwhelming terror of the situation.  Lately, I've started seeking serious help for this, and am even on medication.  But while I wait for it to start kicking in, I'm still trapped inside my bubble.

But you know, recently, my anxiety also got me thinking. 

To some extent for years now I've had a hard time connecting with God.  He often subconsciously became the person up there who judged my sins and punished me when I was wrong, supposedly loved me, but otherwise He kept Himself separate from my life.  I felt like I had to beg God to notice me.  I felt unworthy of His constant attention and love.  I felt like my troubles, my struggles, my low points, were all beneath God's notice.  Surely I couldn't just pray about all of them and expect God to fix or help me with every single one.  No I had to pick the ones that were the worst at the time, and pray, pleadingly, hoping God may decide to spare some time to at least make the situation a little bit better.  I felt I was created to be this anxious, meek, depressed little creature who wouldn't ever meant to amount to anything, and I should count the blessings where they came.  I felt God frowned on my pain and I should just go along with it.  Who am I to complain?  Of course much of this wasn't very frontally acknowledged.  Logic, ministers, other Christians would tell me that was just crazy, of course that's not how God worked.  But I still felt it anyway. 

I realize now a big part of that is I felt my pain was, and never would be, understood.  No one possibly knows what it's like to be terrified of the world.  If I ever tried to explain people would think I was extreme, crazy, pathetic, and whining about things that are hard.  I felt God viewed me the same way.  He couldn't possibly know my pain, know what this felt like.  Sure, yes, Jesus felt pain, more than me, with His time here on earth.  I'm not having to hang on the cross.  I don't have to be persecuted by an entire government.  I just have to overcome talking to store clerks and filling out job applications.  How can that possibly be understood as excruciating by God?

And yet... it is.  God knows my pain... God knows my pain. He knows it.  And more than that... He feels it with me.  He does not wish for me to endure it alone.  He knows what I seek, He knows how lost I am, and He wants nothing more than to guide me through it.  All this time I feel so. alone.  Like nobody can understand the warring inside myself - wanting to be a light and have purpose! while at the same time, terrified of everything.  How it tears me apart emotionally, mentally, and even physically.  But today, I don't know.  Things just clicked. 

And you know, bigger than all this, God wants to use this.  See, to some extent He did make me a shyer, meeker person.  Big dreams and plans yes, and He didn't necessarily give me this anxiety, but He still made me meek and shy.  He put me apart from everyone.  And that's. not. bad.  See one of the gifts of shyness, and anxiety even, is it gives you a deeper understanding of people.  It opens hearts, and makes you understand fear.  And compassion.  You suddenly have a totally different understanding of compassion.  Deeper understanding of it.  Here I am thinking in order to be a light you have to impact people in an obvious and immediate way.  That can be anything, from global movements to just giving a gift card to a homeless person.  You see immediate results and change.  And while that is awesome, and I definitely highly encourage it, to some extent I think people use it as the easy way of being a light.  Quick actions are easier than walking the talk 24/7. 

God made me a meek and shy person so that I might understand others.  I go through pain, so that I can understand others pain.  I have been stripped raw, so that I might see people's hearts.  I am not blinded by the world.  I am not like others.  I do not necessarily act mature, or dress trendy, or get along with people.  I don't follow social customs, and I am not jumping on the bandwagon of every opportunity that comes along.  Even really good, righteous things.  And I know now that that is okay.  I was made to be meek.  I was made to be judicious.  I was made to see others, and the world, the way they are.  I was made for compassion.  I was made for understanding.  And yes I hurt a lot but God is using that.  I know that now.  He wants me to to change people in the way that is hardest.  He wants me to be there for people in ways they may not see, that I even may not see.  He wants me to see and understand their pains and confusion and loss.  I may not connect with people on an obvious social level, but as Anne Shirley puts it, I find "kindred spirits". I'm tired of being pushed to get out there and do more.  I won't be told that being on the sidelines is a bad thing.  Slowing down and understanding the world puts you in a totally different walk and place in life than those who are active and constantly doing.  And neither place in life is bad at all.  God has specially designed all types of life for different purposes.  Mine just happens to be a minority.  But I'm not going to be sorry for it anymore, and I'm not going to feel punished for it anymore. As many of my friends keep telling me, and what I'm finally starting to see, God has me where He wants me.  Now I just need to start seeing what He wants me to do with it.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
Will be forever mine. You are forever mine

(Christ Tomlin)