Numb

Is it common, while striving toward recovery, to just sort go numb and not really be sure what you're feeling?  Lately, I don't really know what I'm doing or what I'm feeling or how to think.  It's like, so much of my personality was and is influenced by my anxiety.  But as anxiety reduces, I'm changing. And I really don't know what to think of this change or how to think at all.  Part of my mind still holds onto the anxiety and I don't know how to make decisions.  I don't know if my terror will suddenly crop up again out of the blue, like my anxiety tended to do before the medication, or if I'll continue to be alright.

Medication is such a flakey thing.  I know that my anxiety is brewing underneath and I'm terrified that if my medication wanes or starts to fail, I'll go back to being how I used to be.  What if I delve into something big and the medication stops working?  I can't hold back the panic, I won't be able to stop freaking out, I won't be able to help it.  It's what's hampered me from getting a job.  I mean even with the medication I'm terrified.  So what's going to happen if the medication stops?  I'm told I shouldn't be dependent on the meds, they're just there to help me get to a better place on my own.  But the thing is, the medication is the only thing that holds back the tidal wave.  It was too much before on my own.  So I have to be dependent on it to some extent.  How do you find the balance?

How am I supposed to live if I can't be sure of anything?  God is the only thing I'm certain of these days.  I haven't been able to count on support from people for a long time.  Don't ask me why, but it stopped working.  I think it's cause I fear they expect more of me than I'm able to give.  I hate being told I'm capable of things.  Yeah, physically maybe.  But that doesn't mean the terror that comes with it is within my control.  I mean heck if that wasn't the issue I'd be out there doing so much more with my life!  But I'm not capable of handling the fear and anxiety.

So don't tell me the things I know!  I know I can do it!  But I can't stop the fear!  Why do you think I got here in the first place?  I can't stop the depression!  I can't stop the self deprecating.  I can't stop the self judgement!  It's not. within. my. control.

I'm so lost as to what I'm supposed to do.  I'm so confused as to if what I feel is real, or temporary.  I'm so tired of having to second guess every single thing I feel, think, or do.  When do I get to that point in recovery I can stop thinking about what other people are thinking every minute of the day?  When can I get to where I stop dreading tomorrow?  When can I get to where I'm able to take care of myself?  When can I get to where I stop being terrified of life?

Does that exist?