As I said, I wanted to start a series for people to submit their stories for me to post. Recently, someone approached me about posting their story about living with an eating disorder. So here is our first submission, and this is Rose's story.
Rose's Story:
I don't really know when my story started, but it's built up over time. It started with little kinks in my foundation and slowly chipped away until things fell apart. As a young girl, I was curious, kind, always excited and had no conception of the idea of body image or stress. To me, life was full of adventures and new people to meet; there wasn't anything out there that could bog me down.
Flash forward to sixth grade. This was the year I began to question myself, my confidence and my looks. It began when I got glasses, and from this, I began to hate my looks and question whether or not people would be friends with me anymore. I backed away into myself and became more shy. As the preteen and early teen years continued, I started to get horrid red acne all over my face. I hated my pictures. I hated looking in the mirror. I lost much of my confidence in myself and started on the cycle of pushing myself down in an unhealthy way.
It wasn't until Christmas of 2014 that things noticeably changed. While everyone was enjoying the warmth of Christmas meals and sweets, I convinced myself that I developed a lack of appetite. Eating became a struggle so much that I refused to eat sweets and barely nibbled down a bite of dinner. For about two or three months, I convinced myself that my appetite just changed. Then slowly I began to accept the truth that I was choosing to eat less and less. For about a year and a half, this cycle of an eating disorder continued for me. I didn't pack much for lunch, I skipped breakfasts and snacks and only ate enough at dinner to satisfy my family from questioning. It wasn't long before I felt the physical effects of my choices. There were periods of time where I felt extremely dizzy and disoriented from lack of nutrients. At dance, I began to struggle to have the energy to keep up with the whole class. There were times when I wouldn't have the physical strength to go on with the class or I would feel sick and ask to stop dancing. At one point, a dance teacher told me that I was so skinny and if she didn't know better she would ask if I didn't eat. Little did she know, that behind my smile and laugh, I was hiding the very secret she thought I didn't do. None of this overly phased me until one day at dance I felt really dizzy in the middle of our rehearsal for an upcoming show and forgot my moves and fell on the ground. Immediately everyone rushed in on me and asked if I was okay, noting how pale I looked. A bunch of the girls brought out their snacks for me as I sat outside crying silent tears. From then on, I knew for sure that I had a problem and needed to start eating again.
Throughout all of this, I began another unhealthy habit. There were some days where I felt really stressed and upset. Many of these times it was when I made a mistake or had too much on my plate. One night, I pulled out a pair of scissors and contemplated cutting myself. I didn't that first night; I was too scared. Months later though, I couldn't stop myself from hurting me. I took a pen and pressed hard on my thighs, making little lines everywhere. It felt good at the time, but then immediately after I would break down and cry, and beat myself down wit my thoughts. From then on, I used the pen to hurt myself occasionally.
A few months into this, I admitted to my best friend the struggles I was going through, and I have to say it was one of the better choices I have made for myself. She met me with love and understanding, and let me talk through my problems, giving me advice along the way. She always pushed me to be a better version of myself and to strive towards loving myself and treating myself better. Even though I had been scared to admit my faults to her, if I hadn't, then I wouldn't be where I am now.
I still on and off struggle with eating, hurting myself and not loving myself. Some days it gets really hard, but I'm learning to take things bit by bit and to celebrate the small victories. You won't change overnight, but the small daily decisions will help lead you out of the valley.
One major move I made besides talking to my friend and asking her to help me and keep me accountable is working on my relationship with God. The last two years have been sort of rough, and there were some points where I drifted away from God and didn't pray. Now, I'm trying to get back into things. I'm currently trying to work through a 12 week Bible study about your worth as a daughter of the king. Prayer is slowly becoming mkre integrated into me life. I find that when my trust and hope is placed in the Lord life seems more manageable because God is there leading the way. Wearing a cross necklace has helped me remember God's unending presence.
I'll just leave you with a few Bible verses and songs that have helped me through some of the hard times.
1 Corinthians 10:13 - "No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it."
Psalm 27 - see Bible
Psalm 34:18 - " The Lord is near to the brokenhearted,
and saves the crushed in spirit."
Isaiah 40:31 - " but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles,they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Philippians 4:6 - " Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all thigs through Christ who strengthens me."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJzaQP1GmEc (Through Your Eyes, Britt Nicole)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=F77v41jbOYs (Tell Your Heart to Beat Again, Danny Gokey)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ (Just Be Held, Casting Crowns)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Zi9I2cx56Qs (Broken Girl, Matthew West)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=CdjRmM0Q0qs (By Your Side, Tenth Avenue North)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA (You Are More, Tenth Avenue North)
Well, so far this is my story. It's not over yet. Though there will be many more trials, there will also be many blessings. Things aren't easy, but remember you are not alone. Remember that you are beautiful, worthy, precious and loved. Nobody can take that away from you.
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Thank you, Rose, for sharing your story and giving us an excerpt of your life and your story to help the rest of us with our own. You're in my prayers, and I hope things keep on the up and up for you.
