Why is it so easy to get lost?  I just want to be done.  I want to be one of those people who doesn't overthink what outfit I'm going to where tomorrow and how it may make people think of me and whether or not I'm sending the right image just so I won't feel like I'm being stared at or judged.  I want to walk into a store and ask for a job application without feeling like I'm going to throw up or burst into tears.  I want to think about my future without wanting to slit my wrists.

Things were going just fine.  And then this week hit and it all went to pot.  

I mean what even is recovery anymore?  

All I ever hear from people is "it's not that bad". "You're good at this."  "Just take the plunge it's not so bad once you're in it."  "You're over thinking things."  "It's all in your head."  "You're capable."  To most people anxiety is just a shyness you have to get over.  It's you over complicating things, excuses, and irrational, unfounded ways to freak yourself out.  

Nobody on this whole blessed earth knows how it feels to be completely trapped within your own mind.  To get so lost and buried in your thoughts that you're drowning, you're being strangled.  Anxiety freaks you out, and depression wears you out.  On top of the crushing weight of absolute terror, you have the complete lack of desire to live.  It's a really sucky combo.  

I thought I was doing better.  I thought things would get better.  I thought my life would actually turn into better.  I guess that's just false thinking.

I'm drowning again.  And I don't know what to do to save myself.  If this is recovery, the best it has to offer, then peace does not exist on this earth.  Or at least I'm not allowed to know it.  I'm so overwhelmed.  I don't know how to handle this life.  I don't know how to handle finding a job, deciding a career, living on my own, taking care of myself...  But that's all my own fault I guess.