An update on what's been happening with me so far. So, unfortunately, some of my new years resolutions fell through. I ended up self harming again, though it has been less than it used to be. I used to do it almost daily, and now it's only really weekly. My desire to eat has started wavering again, especially since I think I've gained weight which really bothers me. But I'm still keeping at it somewhat steadily despite all. I've started having suicidal thoughts again, not to the severity as before but they're coming up with some frequency. And home life has been. . . well crappy due to certain situations and people I can't go into here. But I'm nearing independence, and as much as that scares the heck out of me, I'm ready to get out and start finding my place. I'm not really sure what to do with my life. At all. I'm not going to college, and yes I'm well aware of the ramifications of that. But after a lot of prayer and thought, I really don't feel like it's what's best for me. At least not right now. I'm heavily considering ministry work of some type, or a job that allows me to travel. I'd love to be a travel blogger but I'm not banking on that. When I'm a bit older I'm considering trying to get hired with a cruise line, even just as a stewardess. Not the best plan in the world, but hey, it'd let me travel and it's all I got right now.
Over all life is just pretty hectic right now, and having so little direction is really stressing me out. I feel like I need to have everything sorted out now. I'd LIKE to have everything sorted out now. I'm the kind of person who can go with the flow in certain situations, but when it comes to big important stuff, like the rest of my life, then I get really anxious and stressed out if there isn't a plan set. I like to know what is coming, know what to do, how to be prepared. And unfortunately, you can't really do that with life. I'm trying really hard to get better at listening to God and trusting my future in His hands, but sometimes I kinda wish He'd do a burning bush type thing and just say "go here" or "do this". I'm a really simple person. I don't need much, just tell me what to do and I'm totally content. But at the same time, here's the struggle. I have lots of unspoken ambition. There's SO much I'd just love to do. But I don't have either the brains, skill, confidence, or all of the above to pursue them. Like dance. I can totally see myself enjoying having some sort of career in dance. But the problem with being an older beginner is that you need practically a lifetime of dance to be accepted into the field, or just unbelievably, inhumanly skilled. Neither of which I have or am. So for that field I'm kind of up a creek. I'd love to work in the history field, but you need a degree for that. And even if I decided to go to college for a degree in U.S. history, you need like a Masters or Doctorate degree to really get anywhere in it. So even if I had a) the brains and b) the drive for it, I don't even have the funds to go that far in college, and I'm not taking out a student loan. So that's scratched. Left to me is the writing world, which does hold potential. I write my own books, and I'm not half bad if I do say so myself, and I blog (obviously) a lot, which again leaves room in the travel blogging realm. And of course, as I mentioned, ministry. I'd LOVE to partner with a church or organization that reaches out to the community. I'm alright with going to other countries, but actually, if I enter the ministry field, I'd like to stay here in the U.S. I feel like there isn't enough attention on those so desperately in need of both help and the Good Lord. I want to work specifically with kids to young adults. Girls especially. The media and average population commercialize "being yourself" and not worrying about self image. But yet when it comes to it, no one really stands by that view. And anyway, I feel like the main people that's hitting are the already socially accepted and self appreciating people who just want a cause to rally behind. I want to reach the people who don't really feel it or believe it's true of them. I want to reach the ones who see that and know it's just an ad. I want to reach the girls who see the models on display boards and posters and think that is the standards they're forced to live up to. I want to reach the kids who think in order to be popular you have to have a certain body type and personality. I want to reach the kids who genuinely have a hard time making friends, and trusting people. I want to reach society's outcasts. I wanna reach the people like me. I never got that, but I'll be durned if anyone can keep me from doing it for others. I never wanna be the cause for someone to want to slit their wrists or hate their bodies. In fact just the opposite. I wanna be the one people turn to when things get rough and know I'll tell them the truth, give them comfort, and give them reason.
So that launched off into a whole 'nother tangent than I originally meant to but maybe I just had to already say it. It felt good, if nothing else. So yeah, life is pretty cruddy and hectic but that's okay. I'll make it through, at least for now. And see what life holds for me. God has a purpose for me, that I know, and that's what I'm clinging to right now.
