Relationships hurt.  And I seem to suck at them.  My relationship with my family, with friends, with God...  I'm so confused lately I don't know what's up and down.  I thought that as anxiety calmed down things would get easier, including relationships with people.  But if anything, I worry it's gotten worse.

I've never had any deep relationships. I've never had any friends that stuck.  I used to be able to shake it off, I thought it was other people.  But now I've pushed away one of the people that means most to me.  My relationship with God always seems so turbulent.  I try to trust, I want to trust, but I always seem to fail as soon as the going gets tough.  And I know you're supposed to trust God to show you the way in life, but I haven't seen anything.  Maybe my relationship isn't what it should be, maybe I'm not really trusting God. If I can manage to shove the people I love and God, maybe all along the relationships were always just me.

I always wanted to get married.  I always wanted a family, to have people who love me around, and have a support group.  Yet, if I manage to screw up pretty much every single relationship I ever have, who's to say I could ever get married?  What if I'm not enough to my husband, what if I can't root our relationship deep enough, what if I'm not enough for him?  And the kids we could have.  What if they can't find in me what a mother should be?  What if I fail them?  What if I end up being a mother they never bonded with?

My friendships have never ever stuck.  And I finally had someone who I thought, for once, I would mean as much to them as they did to me.  And for a long time I did.  And then, as usual, I COMPLETELY screwed it up.  

"What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be." ~Ellen Burstyn

You know sometimes God creates people to just be alone.  Job's life totally sucked.  His friends blamed him for what his life became.  He didn't have anyone either.  I'm in no way a Job, I don't have his kind of faith and strength, but maybe I'm just not meant to have the kind of deep, committed relationships I see other people have with family and friends.  Maybe I won't ever get married, or have kids.  Maybe I won't have someone, physically, to walk through life with me.  And I guess I have to get used to that?   

"I finally faced the fact that it isn't a crime not having friends." ~Whitney Houston

Why is it so easy to get lost?  I just want to be done.  I want to be one of those people who doesn't overthink what outfit I'm going to where tomorrow and how it may make people think of me and whether or not I'm sending the right image just so I won't feel like I'm being stared at or judged.  I want to walk into a store and ask for a job application without feeling like I'm going to throw up or burst into tears.  I want to think about my future without wanting to slit my wrists.

Things were going just fine.  And then this week hit and it all went to pot.  

I mean what even is recovery anymore?  

All I ever hear from people is "it's not that bad". "You're good at this."  "Just take the plunge it's not so bad once you're in it."  "You're over thinking things."  "It's all in your head."  "You're capable."  To most people anxiety is just a shyness you have to get over.  It's you over complicating things, excuses, and irrational, unfounded ways to freak yourself out.  

Nobody on this whole blessed earth knows how it feels to be completely trapped within your own mind.  To get so lost and buried in your thoughts that you're drowning, you're being strangled.  Anxiety freaks you out, and depression wears you out.  On top of the crushing weight of absolute terror, you have the complete lack of desire to live.  It's a really sucky combo.  

I thought I was doing better.  I thought things would get better.  I thought my life would actually turn into better.  I guess that's just false thinking.

I'm drowning again.  And I don't know what to do to save myself.  If this is recovery, the best it has to offer, then peace does not exist on this earth.  Or at least I'm not allowed to know it.  I'm so overwhelmed.  I don't know how to handle this life.  I don't know how to handle finding a job, deciding a career, living on my own, taking care of myself...  But that's all my own fault I guess. 

Numb

Is it common, while striving toward recovery, to just sort go numb and not really be sure what you're feeling?  Lately, I don't really know what I'm doing or what I'm feeling or how to think.  It's like, so much of my personality was and is influenced by my anxiety.  But as anxiety reduces, I'm changing. And I really don't know what to think of this change or how to think at all.  Part of my mind still holds onto the anxiety and I don't know how to make decisions.  I don't know if my terror will suddenly crop up again out of the blue, like my anxiety tended to do before the medication, or if I'll continue to be alright.

Medication is such a flakey thing.  I know that my anxiety is brewing underneath and I'm terrified that if my medication wanes or starts to fail, I'll go back to being how I used to be.  What if I delve into something big and the medication stops working?  I can't hold back the panic, I won't be able to stop freaking out, I won't be able to help it.  It's what's hampered me from getting a job.  I mean even with the medication I'm terrified.  So what's going to happen if the medication stops?  I'm told I shouldn't be dependent on the meds, they're just there to help me get to a better place on my own.  But the thing is, the medication is the only thing that holds back the tidal wave.  It was too much before on my own.  So I have to be dependent on it to some extent.  How do you find the balance?

How am I supposed to live if I can't be sure of anything?  God is the only thing I'm certain of these days.  I haven't been able to count on support from people for a long time.  Don't ask me why, but it stopped working.  I think it's cause I fear they expect more of me than I'm able to give.  I hate being told I'm capable of things.  Yeah, physically maybe.  But that doesn't mean the terror that comes with it is within my control.  I mean heck if that wasn't the issue I'd be out there doing so much more with my life!  But I'm not capable of handling the fear and anxiety.

So don't tell me the things I know!  I know I can do it!  But I can't stop the fear!  Why do you think I got here in the first place?  I can't stop the depression!  I can't stop the self deprecating.  I can't stop the self judgement!  It's not. within. my. control.

I'm so lost as to what I'm supposed to do.  I'm so confused as to if what I feel is real, or temporary.  I'm so tired of having to second guess every single thing I feel, think, or do.  When do I get to that point in recovery I can stop thinking about what other people are thinking every minute of the day?  When can I get to where I stop dreading tomorrow?  When can I get to where I'm able to take care of myself?  When can I get to where I stop being terrified of life?

Does that exist?