I Once was Blind, but Now I See

Do you know what it's like to be trapped inside your head?  To be totally afraid of the world, of people, of everything?  Living with anxiety is like that.  You're stuck in a constant bubble of uncertainty and fear, day in and day out.  You can't accurately judge a situation because you're emotions can't tell the difference between what may simply not be right for you, and your overwhelming terror of the situation.  Lately, I've started seeking serious help for this, and am even on medication.  But while I wait for it to start kicking in, I'm still trapped inside my bubble.

But you know, recently, my anxiety also got me thinking. 

To some extent for years now I've had a hard time connecting with God.  He often subconsciously became the person up there who judged my sins and punished me when I was wrong, supposedly loved me, but otherwise He kept Himself separate from my life.  I felt like I had to beg God to notice me.  I felt unworthy of His constant attention and love.  I felt like my troubles, my struggles, my low points, were all beneath God's notice.  Surely I couldn't just pray about all of them and expect God to fix or help me with every single one.  No I had to pick the ones that were the worst at the time, and pray, pleadingly, hoping God may decide to spare some time to at least make the situation a little bit better.  I felt I was created to be this anxious, meek, depressed little creature who wouldn't ever meant to amount to anything, and I should count the blessings where they came.  I felt God frowned on my pain and I should just go along with it.  Who am I to complain?  Of course much of this wasn't very frontally acknowledged.  Logic, ministers, other Christians would tell me that was just crazy, of course that's not how God worked.  But I still felt it anyway. 

I realize now a big part of that is I felt my pain was, and never would be, understood.  No one possibly knows what it's like to be terrified of the world.  If I ever tried to explain people would think I was extreme, crazy, pathetic, and whining about things that are hard.  I felt God viewed me the same way.  He couldn't possibly know my pain, know what this felt like.  Sure, yes, Jesus felt pain, more than me, with His time here on earth.  I'm not having to hang on the cross.  I don't have to be persecuted by an entire government.  I just have to overcome talking to store clerks and filling out job applications.  How can that possibly be understood as excruciating by God?

And yet... it is.  God knows my pain... God knows my pain. He knows it.  And more than that... He feels it with me.  He does not wish for me to endure it alone.  He knows what I seek, He knows how lost I am, and He wants nothing more than to guide me through it.  All this time I feel so. alone.  Like nobody can understand the warring inside myself - wanting to be a light and have purpose! while at the same time, terrified of everything.  How it tears me apart emotionally, mentally, and even physically.  But today, I don't know.  Things just clicked. 

And you know, bigger than all this, God wants to use this.  See, to some extent He did make me a shyer, meeker person.  Big dreams and plans yes, and He didn't necessarily give me this anxiety, but He still made me meek and shy.  He put me apart from everyone.  And that's. not. bad.  See one of the gifts of shyness, and anxiety even, is it gives you a deeper understanding of people.  It opens hearts, and makes you understand fear.  And compassion.  You suddenly have a totally different understanding of compassion.  Deeper understanding of it.  Here I am thinking in order to be a light you have to impact people in an obvious and immediate way.  That can be anything, from global movements to just giving a gift card to a homeless person.  You see immediate results and change.  And while that is awesome, and I definitely highly encourage it, to some extent I think people use it as the easy way of being a light.  Quick actions are easier than walking the talk 24/7. 

God made me a meek and shy person so that I might understand others.  I go through pain, so that I can understand others pain.  I have been stripped raw, so that I might see people's hearts.  I am not blinded by the world.  I am not like others.  I do not necessarily act mature, or dress trendy, or get along with people.  I don't follow social customs, and I am not jumping on the bandwagon of every opportunity that comes along.  Even really good, righteous things.  And I know now that that is okay.  I was made to be meek.  I was made to be judicious.  I was made to see others, and the world, the way they are.  I was made for compassion.  I was made for understanding.  And yes I hurt a lot but God is using that.  I know that now.  He wants me to to change people in the way that is hardest.  He wants me to be there for people in ways they may not see, that I even may not see.  He wants me to see and understand their pains and confusion and loss.  I may not connect with people on an obvious social level, but as Anne Shirley puts it, I find "kindred spirits". I'm tired of being pushed to get out there and do more.  I won't be told that being on the sidelines is a bad thing.  Slowing down and understanding the world puts you in a totally different walk and place in life than those who are active and constantly doing.  And neither place in life is bad at all.  God has specially designed all types of life for different purposes.  Mine just happens to be a minority.  But I'm not going to be sorry for it anymore, and I'm not going to feel punished for it anymore. As many of my friends keep telling me, and what I'm finally starting to see, God has me where He wants me.  Now I just need to start seeing what He wants me to do with it.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below,
Will be forever mine.
Will be forever mine. You are forever mine

(Christ Tomlin)