2015

My yearly reflection. The older I get the more I reflect on my past. Where I've been, what I've done, who I was inside, who I was to other people. . . and of course all this culminates into where am I going, what am I going to do, who am I going to be to myself, and who I'm going to be to others. Typically, none of this changes with each passing new year, but a girl can dream can't she?

So far this year has been. . . turbulent, as has become my go-to word to describe it. Not necessarily bad I guess, just full of a lot of trials. There's been a lot of confession and self discovery in there too. By this January I'll have been a cutter for a year now, though I've been self harming far longer than that. It's kind hard to picture my skin now without all these scars. This has also been the year I finally admitted to myself that maybe what I'm dealing with is more than just mood swings, and I was battling depression. It's also the year I told people, a small circle of friends, what was wrong with me. My best friend in particular. I didn't want to confess I needed, or I guess still kinda do need, help. I'm not entirely sure what exactly kept me from these confessions for so long. Fear, I guess? I didn't want to be labeled as attention seeking, even to just myself. I wasn't sure what I was feeling was real, or warranted, or okay. Other people, worse off people, could be called depressed. But my life was pretty great in comparison, what did I have to feel bad over? It wasn't until I actively started finding out, and reaching out, that I realized that anyone could deal with depression, from those in the best of situations to those in the worst. Plus it doesn't help that I think depression is hereditary in my family.
But. . .
I finally did it. I said I needed help. And I got it. Not from what I consider "outside sources", ie doctors, councilors, a pastor, etc. Not bold enough to go that far yet. But I reached out to my friends, some I talked to online, which for me was a major move. But it worked out so much better than I had originally feared. I started out telling my best friend, who I actually know irl, and then, some months later, a small group of internet friends whom me and my irl friend talked to regularly. And the reaction I got wasn't anything like how I was used to people treating me. I got concern, and support, and love, and understanding. And even though that may seem like a minuscule, not actually helpful or wise way to get help, it made a world of difference to me. I got a support group, which I guess in a lot of ways is a first step to recovery.

This was the year though, that the reason all this came out, was because I became suicidal. I'd often. . . considered death. And there were times I wanted to escape my life. But not in the way I was. And it finally became a big enough concern that people told me I needed to take action, tell my parents, let someone who knew me in real life know what was happening. And through a series of events, my parents did find out. I still haven't decided whether or not that was for the best, but I know God's in control, and there's a reason for everything. I'm still alive aren't I?

This was the year though, that a lot of really great things happened too, despite all the turbulence. I officially gained a best friend, one of the best friends I've ever had in my whole life, who has been there for me, unwavering, through all of this.
This was the year I had my first ever true dance recital, and have started yet another dance year, and discovered just how much joy, and strength, and ambition, and just. . . how much I've grown to adore dance.
This was the year I delved farther into my writing, was given more experiences, learned more, grew more, loved more, and gave more. This was the year God gave me new insight, and changed my mind and heart.

I'm still alive, and while I'm still fighting, right now, I'm glad to be here.

Introduction of sorts

If you're reading this, welcome to my blog. I'm Lauchlan, but I go by a dozen other names. I'm not a well known youtuber, social media light, writer, or anyone of any fame. I'm also not new to the blogging scene. But frankly, I needed a place to just sort of vent things that isn't read by a bunch of people that know me in real life.

So, I've been trying to sort through a lot in my life right now and over the course of a few years. Writing has always been a major source of helping to understand what I'm feeling or what I'm dealing with, so blogging became a natural outlet. I run a regular blog over at My Secret Garden. Problem is, as things became rockier, there were less and less things I could vent that I felt I need to.  So today I finally just caved and made this blog. What all exactly I'm going to post on here, I don't really know yet. It sort of depends on the swing of my my emotions and what I feel driven to post. Sometimes it may be about my walk with God, sometimes it may be a rant that home life is cruddy, sometimes it may just be me trying to figure out what the heck is going on inside me. Or it could be something totally different altogether. I dunno, we'll see. Either way, this is just the blog of a girl/woman/young lady??? trying to find her way in this world and venting that through words. If you ever feel you can relate or need a listening ear, don't be afraid to comment. I'm also always interested in having prayer buddies so just lemme know.


Lauchlan out.