Rose's Story

As I said, I wanted to start a series for people to submit their stories for me to post. Recently, someone approached me about posting their story about living with an eating disorder. So here is our first submission, and this is Rose's story.

Rose's Story:


I don't really know when my story started, but it's built up over time. It started with little kinks in my foundation and slowly chipped away until things fell apart. As a young girl, I was curious, kind, always excited and had no conception of the idea of body image or stress. To me, life was full of adventures and new people to meet; there wasn't anything out there that could bog me down.
Flash forward to sixth grade. This was the year I began to question myself, my confidence and my looks. It began when I got glasses, and from this, I began to hate my looks and question whether or not people would be friends with me anymore. I backed away into myself and became more shy. As the preteen and early teen years continued, I started to get horrid red acne all over my face. I hated my pictures. I hated looking in the mirror. I lost much of my confidence in myself and started on the cycle of pushing myself down in an unhealthy way.

It wasn't until Christmas of 2014 that things noticeably changed. While everyone was enjoying the warmth of Christmas meals and sweets, I convinced myself that I developed a lack of appetite. Eating became a struggle so much that I refused to eat sweets and barely nibbled down a bite of dinner. For about two or three months, I convinced myself that my appetite just changed. Then slowly I began to accept the truth that I was choosing to eat less and less. For about a year and a half, this cycle of an eating disorder continued for me. I didn't pack much for lunch, I skipped breakfasts and snacks and only ate enough at dinner to satisfy my family from questioning. It wasn't long before I felt the physical effects of my choices. There were periods of time where I felt extremely dizzy and disoriented from lack of nutrients. At dance, I began to struggle to have the energy to keep up with the whole class. There were times when I wouldn't have the physical strength to go on with the class or I would feel sick and ask to stop dancing. At one point, a dance teacher told me that I was so skinny and if she didn't know better she would ask if I didn't eat. Little did she know, that behind my smile and laugh, I was hiding the very secret she thought I didn't do. None of this overly phased me until one day at dance I felt really dizzy in the middle of our rehearsal for an upcoming show and forgot my moves and fell on the ground. Immediately everyone rushed in on me and asked if I was okay, noting how pale I looked. A bunch of the girls brought out their snacks for me as I sat outside crying silent tears. From then on, I knew for sure that I had a problem and needed to start eating again.
Throughout all of this, I began another unhealthy habit. There were some days where I felt really stressed and upset. Many of these times it was when I made a mistake or had too much on my plate. One night, I pulled out a pair of scissors and contemplated cutting myself. I didn't that first night; I was too scared. Months later though, I couldn't stop myself from hurting me. I took a pen and pressed hard on my thighs, making little lines everywhere. It felt good at the time, but then immediately after I would break down and cry, and beat myself down wit my thoughts. From then on, I used the pen to hurt myself occasionally.

A few months into this, I admitted to my best friend the struggles I was going through, and I have to say it was one of the better choices I have made for myself. She met me with love and understanding, and let me talk through my problems, giving me advice along the way. She always pushed me to be a better version of myself and to strive towards loving myself and treating myself better. Even though I had been scared to admit my faults to her, if I hadn't, then I wouldn't be where I am now.
I still on and off struggle with eating, hurting myself and not loving myself. Some days it gets really hard, but I'm learning to take things bit by bit and to celebrate the small victories. You won't change overnight, but the small daily decisions will help lead you out of the valley.

One major move I made besides talking to my friend and asking her to help me and keep me accountable is working on my relationship with God. The last two years have been sort of rough, and there were some points where I drifted away from God and didn't pray. Now, I'm trying to get back into things. I'm currently trying to work through a 12 week Bible study about your worth as a daughter of the king. Prayer is slowly becoming mkre integrated into me life. I find that when my trust and hope is placed in the Lord life seems more manageable because God is there leading the way. Wearing a cross necklace has helped me remember God's unending presence.
I'll just leave you with a few Bible verses and songs that have helped me through some of the hard times.
1 Corinthians 10:13 - "No testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength, but with the testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it."
Psalm 27 - see Bible
Psalm 34:18 - " The Lord is near to the brokenhearted,
    and saves the crushed in spirit."
Isaiah 40:31 - " but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,  they shall mount up with wings like eagles,they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Philippians 4:6 - " Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all thigs through Christ who strengthens me."

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJzaQP1GmEc (Through Your Eyes, Britt Nicole)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=F77v41jbOYs (Tell Your Heart to Beat Again, Danny Gokey)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ  (Just Be Held, Casting Crowns)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Zi9I2cx56Qs  (Broken Girl, Matthew West)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CdjRmM0Q0qs  (By Your Side, Tenth Avenue North)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA  (You Are More, Tenth Avenue North)
Well, so far this is my story. It's not over yet. Though there will be many more trials, there will also be many blessings. Things aren't easy, but remember you are not alone. Remember that you are beautiful, worthy, precious and loved. Nobody can take that away from you.

***
Thank you, Rose, for sharing your story and giving us an excerpt of your life and your story to help the rest of us with our own. You're in my prayers, and I hope things keep on the up and up for you.

Share Your Story

Over the last couple months, I've been playing around with an idea. Primarily this blog has just been me opening up and venting about life for me and my own struggles. But I've wondered if it could be something more. I've been watching vlogs and reading some blogs and social media sites where they've asked people to come forward with their own personal stories and just sort of share them. Some have been about mental and emotional struggles, others have been about over coming physical obstacles and restraints. My best friend is one who has done this, and she encouraged me to do this. So on one of my social medias, my account "keeperofthewarehouse" on Instagram, I opened up a chance for my followers to send me in their stories for me to publish on this blog. This isn't a time to bash, to criticize, to "help" by pointing out all their errors. Like the original purpose of this blog, it's a place to open up in hopes someone else understands, and gains comfort, hope, or simply to know they're not alone.
I really don't know if anyone will respond or want to send in but the opportunity is out there. I open the chance to my readers too, though unfortunately I have no way for you to submit on here, other than through the comments, which I moderate. If you wish to do that I'd love to publish your stories and accounts. Even if it is brief, I don't mind. This isn't preaching, it's not criticizing, it's outreach. We're just looking to find hope and strength in each other and remind each other we're going to make it.

Beautiful Purpose

Every feature on our body has a purpose.
Your face is your personality - hair showing spirit, eyes showing soul, and lips showing emotion. Your arms and hands show potential - arms always reaching, hands always working, fingers delicately crafting. Your center shows your focus - your chest is for passion, your back is for resilience. Your legs and feet show strength - your legs move you forward, your feet keep you steady, your toes keep you ready. 
These are the basics that form something special, but what makes you unique are the details. Every freckle, every mark, every eyelash, they all serve a purpose in making you yourself.
And just like all that, our scars serve a purpose too. They tell our stories. They show where we've been, how far we've come. They show our will. They show our highest and lowest points. Our scars make us extraordinary. Our scars make us beautiful. Our scars make us human.

Sometimes, especially as of late, it's been hard to manage my emotions. I get upset at the simplest and slightest of things, and random things will make me feel horribly upset. I'm not really sure why. Just... anything, everything. Some days I wake up and hardly want to lift my head up off the pillow. Talking to people just seems to rub my emotions raw. Sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom and cry because I feel like I have excess emotion. Is that a thing? Just feeling too much? And is it common for all the time? I'm not entirely certain why I put this into a blog either. Maybe just because I hope this will be relatable to someone else. I'm forever questioning if I'm the only one experiencing this, maybe I'm just taking things too personally, being too soft, being whiny and complaining. I dunno. All I know is, putting it down into words takes the edge off, so I do it. And I publish it, because maybe it'll give someone some comfort and let 'em know they're not alone. We're not all crazy, we're just trying to figure things out.
It's been awfully difficult to figure things out, that's been the number one thing that has thrown me into such turmoil. I made the decision in recent months not to go to college. And it's driving my parents pure crazy. I don't really know what exactly they think. That I'm slacking, that I'm afraid of work, that I need a slower pace, that I'm just trying to cheap off of them... They're forever telling me I can't live here forever, my dad will have a heart attack trying to take care of me. I know that, I know that full well. And I'm not being lazy! College is important, it decides a lot, I know that. Every blessed thing they tell me I know! I'm not trying to expect anyone to take care of me, not friends, not family, not anyone. I know I've got to rely on myself. I never asked anyone to take care of me. I'm actively looking for a job, it's not my fault no one wants to hire someone without experience yet no one's willing to give the experience. Do you know how bloody hard it is to get anyone to even look at your application, let alone give you the time of day? It's not easy to be a young adult looking for a simple job. And so I look, and get turned down, and I listen to my parents rag on me, and I try figure things out, but I'm not of many brains or talent. I was always told, "Where God closes a door, He opens a window." So far He hasn't bothered to unlatch any windows yet, not even let in a ray of sunlight. Right now I'm very much in the dark. He directed me, or so I thought, that college wasn't for me. But... now what?

Stuff

An update on what's been happening with me so far. So, unfortunately, some of my new years resolutions fell through. I ended up self harming again, though it has been less than it used to be. I used to do it almost daily, and now it's only really weekly. My desire to eat has started wavering again, especially since I think I've gained weight which really bothers me. But I'm still keeping at it somewhat steadily despite all. I've started having suicidal thoughts again, not to the severity as before but they're coming up with some frequency. And home life has been. . . well crappy due to certain situations and people I can't go into here. But I'm nearing independence, and as much as that scares the heck out of me, I'm ready to get out and start finding my place. I'm not really sure what to do with my life. At all. I'm not going to college, and yes I'm well aware of the ramifications of that. But after a lot of prayer and thought, I really don't feel like it's what's best for me. At least not right now. I'm heavily considering ministry work of some type, or a job that allows me to travel. I'd love to be a travel blogger but I'm not banking on that. When I'm a bit older I'm considering trying to get hired with a cruise line, even just as a stewardess. Not the best plan in the world, but hey, it'd let me travel and it's all I got right now.
Over all life is just pretty hectic right now, and having so little direction is really stressing me out. I feel like I need to have everything sorted out now. I'd LIKE to have everything sorted out now. I'm the kind of person who can go with the flow in certain situations, but when it comes to big important stuff, like the rest of my life, then I get really anxious and stressed out if there isn't a plan set. I like to know what is coming, know what to do, how to be prepared. And unfortunately, you can't really do that with life. I'm trying really hard to get better at listening to God and trusting my future in His hands, but sometimes I kinda wish He'd do a burning bush type thing and just say  "go here" or "do this". I'm a really simple person. I don't need much, just tell me what to do and I'm totally content. But at the same time, here's the struggle. I have lots of unspoken ambition. There's SO much I'd just love to do. But I don't have either the brains, skill, confidence, or all of the above to pursue them. Like dance. I can totally see myself enjoying having some sort of career in dance. But the problem with being an older beginner is that you need practically a lifetime of dance to be accepted into the field, or just unbelievably, inhumanly skilled. Neither of which I have or am. So for that field I'm kind of up a creek. I'd love to work in the history field, but you need a degree for that. And even if I decided to go to college for a degree in U.S. history, you need like a Masters or Doctorate degree to really get anywhere in it.  So even if I had a) the brains and b) the drive for it, I don't even have the funds to go that far in college, and I'm not taking out a student loan. So that's scratched. Left to me is the writing world, which does hold potential. I write my own books, and I'm not half bad if I do say so myself, and I blog (obviously) a lot, which again leaves room in the travel blogging realm. And of course, as I mentioned, ministry. I'd LOVE to partner with a church or organization that reaches out to the community. I'm alright with going to other countries, but actually, if I enter the ministry field, I'd like to stay here in the U.S. I feel like there isn't enough attention on those so desperately in need of both help and the Good Lord. I want to work specifically with kids to young adults. Girls especially. The media and average population commercialize "being yourself" and not worrying about self image. But yet when it comes to it, no one really stands by that view. And anyway, I feel like the main people that's hitting are the already socially accepted and self appreciating people who just want a cause to rally behind. I want to reach the people who don't really feel it or believe it's true of them. I want to reach the ones who see that and know it's just an ad. I want to reach the girls who see the models on display boards and posters and think that is the standards they're forced to live up to. I want to reach the kids who think in order to be popular you have to have a certain body type and personality. I want to reach the kids who genuinely have a hard time making friends, and trusting people. I want to reach society's outcasts. I wanna reach the people like me. I never got that, but I'll be durned if anyone can keep me from doing it for others. I never wanna be the cause for someone to want to slit their wrists or hate their bodies. In fact just the opposite. I wanna be the one people turn to when things get rough and know I'll tell them the truth, give them comfort, and give them reason.

So that launched off into a whole 'nother tangent than I originally meant to but maybe I just had to already say it. It felt good, if nothing else. So yeah, life is pretty cruddy and hectic but that's okay. I'll make it through, at least for now. And see what life holds for me. God has a purpose for me, that I know, and that's what I'm clinging to right now.