I am a Lost Boy from Neverland...

I want to run.  I want to run so hard all I can think and feel is the pain in my lungs and legs.  I want to drive.  I want to drive so far I don't know where I am and no one knows me.  I want to forget everything I knew and start all over.  New friends, new me, new life.  They say you can't leave your problems behind, but I would leave people, and that would be a lot of the same thing.

I want to forget the pain of being replaced.  I want to forget what it is to see someone else where I used to be, doing what I used to do, saying what I used to say, being the friend I used to be.  It's like a hot knife in my gut.  The wound starts to go numb, and then day after day, something happens, and I'm stabbed again.  They just keep wrenching, twisting.  Hot tears in my eyes.  Pain yes, but more than that is anger.  Anger I'm helpless, anger there's nothing I can do, anger at the friendly face and pleasant words I force.  I want to disappear, I want to start all over.  Where did I go wrong?  Was there something I could have done differently, made a different outcome?

Loving someone new doesn't make you love the others even more.  Love doesn't grow.  That's a lie.  It's why people come and go in our lives.  There isn't room for them anymore, so we choose who we want and the rest just fade away.  We don't forget, but we stop caring.  They find the desire to be with you decrease, the connection dims.  They find it in someone else, become distracted, and are drawn away like a moth to the flame.  Words become hollow and time grows short.

Where are all the people I ever cared about?  One by one they just disappeared.  Some chose to leave, some faded out, and many, many chose others.  Sometimes it's good.  Like watching a family member leave to join their spouse.  You're supposedly gaining another, but really, you're just letting one go.  It's a bittersweet, you should be happy, but you're sad, alone, and truthfully?  You're resentful.  You can't help it.  "Be happy, be grateful, don't be jealous."  I'm not jealous.  I'm alone.  And after so long being two, how can I not be sad to be just one?

One by one people go, promises are forgotten, and love proves to be the most powerful heartbreaker to exist.  Friendship becomes a childish concept because really, what lasts forever?  Like Wendy and Alice, they leave and grow up.  Like Christopher Robin, they know there will be a time when forever doesn't last.  But like all of them, they leave for something they deem better, and those of us left behind are the Peters, the Hatters, and the Pooh Bears of the world.  Left wondering, what went wrong?  Where did everyone go?  Why must everyone leave?

Do you not feel pain?  Do you not feel worry or hesitancy or anxiety?  Do you look in the mirror, and see not a person but insecurities?  How do you do it...  How do you go about your life, unfazed and seemingly unharmed?  How do you approach life with such certainty and confidence, like you're greeting a lifelong friend instead of a jailer, or a brutal dictator?  Where did I go wrong, where did my path lead astray, how did I get so lost?


Life is painful, and it's miserable, and sometimes it's too much work.  Sometimes the best you can do is just get out of bed.  You're strong if you're able to get yourself dressed and brush your hair.  It's a good day if you can walk out the front door.  It's a really good day if you return in the evening without crying.  It's not easy, and it's not fair to compare our small accomplishments against your massive ones.  


On this earth we judge our worth by our standards of accomplishments and successes.  Getting high degrees, multiple degrees.  Getting a job that does more than just pay the bills but also gives you more money than you know what to do with.  Raising children that grow up to change the world.  Achieving fame.  Working on massive acts of peace and prosperity for those less fortunate.  Changing laws.  Writing laws.  Proving that you are somebody.


And when we don't achieve these goals, we are worthless.  We are invisible.  We are nobody.  Our pains are not validated because we did not put in people's idea of work into making these pains worthy of validation.  Because we lose a battle sometimes, because we can't always keep the darkness at bay, because we sink to our knees and can no longer fight.  We are worthless.  We are pathetic.  We are not worthy of validation from others.


Christians are sometimes the worst.  When a Christian truly sinks to their knees in pain and agony and cries out "O my God help me" and can no longer fight, when we alone cannot keep out the darkness, we are seen as unworthy of God's help because we are not helping ourselves.  When we truly do as we preach, and beg for God's intervention and strength because we cannot generate it ourselves, we are seen as weak.  How dare we ask God, if we haven't worked, or rather what their idea of work is.


Pain is not necessarily corruption.  Confusion is not necessarily being lost.  Weakness is not necessarily a lack of faith.  Corruption is when you blame God for your pain, instead of taking His hand to help you with it.  Being lost is when you've given up on God being your leader and the Bible being your map.  Lack of faith is when you feel that God will no longer help you.


I sit, and I envy all those who can talk without stuttering, stand proud and tall and not hunched and hiding,  accept without reservation, and be accepted without force.  I envy those who are not invisible not only to others but to themselves as well.  I envy those who look in the mirror and see light, instead of smudges, stains, and cracks.

But you know, I'm starting to see more in the mirror.

I see two blue eyes that have known laughter staring back.  I see blonde hair that used to be teased and braided falling neatly around my shoulders.  I see a mouth, that has obviously known smiling before.  I see cheeks, that have known a rosy glow.

I see a face, the face of someone who's slowly returning.