Relationships hurt.  And I seem to suck at them.  My relationship with my family, with friends, with God...  I'm so confused lately I don't know what's up and down.  I thought that as anxiety calmed down things would get easier, including relationships with people.  But if anything, I worry it's gotten worse.

I've never had any deep relationships. I've never had any friends that stuck.  I used to be able to shake it off, I thought it was other people.  But now I've pushed away one of the people that means most to me.  My relationship with God always seems so turbulent.  I try to trust, I want to trust, but I always seem to fail as soon as the going gets tough.  And I know you're supposed to trust God to show you the way in life, but I haven't seen anything.  Maybe my relationship isn't what it should be, maybe I'm not really trusting God. If I can manage to shove the people I love and God, maybe all along the relationships were always just me.

I always wanted to get married.  I always wanted a family, to have people who love me around, and have a support group.  Yet, if I manage to screw up pretty much every single relationship I ever have, who's to say I could ever get married?  What if I'm not enough to my husband, what if I can't root our relationship deep enough, what if I'm not enough for him?  And the kids we could have.  What if they can't find in me what a mother should be?  What if I fail them?  What if I end up being a mother they never bonded with?

My friendships have never ever stuck.  And I finally had someone who I thought, for once, I would mean as much to them as they did to me.  And for a long time I did.  And then, as usual, I COMPLETELY screwed it up.  

"What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be." ~Ellen Burstyn

You know sometimes God creates people to just be alone.  Job's life totally sucked.  His friends blamed him for what his life became.  He didn't have anyone either.  I'm in no way a Job, I don't have his kind of faith and strength, but maybe I'm just not meant to have the kind of deep, committed relationships I see other people have with family and friends.  Maybe I won't ever get married, or have kids.  Maybe I won't have someone, physically, to walk through life with me.  And I guess I have to get used to that?   

"I finally faced the fact that it isn't a crime not having friends." ~Whitney Houston