Sometimes, especially as of late, it's been hard to manage my emotions. I get upset at the simplest and slightest of things, and random things will make me feel horribly upset. I'm not really sure why. Just... anything, everything. Some days I wake up and hardly want to lift my head up off the pillow. Talking to people just seems to rub my emotions raw. Sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom and cry because I feel like I have excess emotion. Is that a thing? Just feeling too much? And is it common for all the time? I'm not entirely certain why I put this into a blog either. Maybe just because I hope this will be relatable to someone else. I'm forever questioning if I'm the only one experiencing this, maybe I'm just taking things too personally, being too soft, being whiny and complaining. I dunno. All I know is, putting it down into words takes the edge off, so I do it. And I publish it, because maybe it'll give someone some comfort and let 'em know they're not alone. We're not all crazy, we're just trying to figure things out.
It's been awfully difficult to figure things out, that's been the number one thing that has thrown me into such turmoil. I made the decision in recent months not to go to college. And it's driving my parents pure crazy. I don't really know what exactly they think. That I'm slacking, that I'm afraid of work, that I need a slower pace, that I'm just trying to cheap off of them... They're forever telling me I can't live here forever, my dad will have a heart attack trying to take care of me. I know that, I know that full well. And I'm not being lazy! College is important, it decides a lot, I know that. Every blessed thing they tell me I know! I'm not trying to expect anyone to take care of me, not friends, not family, not anyone. I know I've got to rely on myself. I never asked anyone to take care of me. I'm actively looking for a job, it's not my fault no one wants to hire someone without experience yet no one's willing to give the experience. Do you know how bloody hard it is to get anyone to even look at your application, let alone give you the time of day? It's not easy to be a young adult looking for a simple job. And so I look, and get turned down, and I listen to my parents rag on me, and I try figure things out, but I'm not of many brains or talent. I was always told, "Where God closes a door, He opens a window." So far He hasn't bothered to unlatch any windows yet, not even let in a ray of sunlight. Right now I'm very much in the dark. He directed me, or so I thought, that college wasn't for me. But... now what?